This blog is taken from a beading forum I subscribe too and the people there are so loving and caring and I find it easy to let my feelings out there. This will kind of catch everyone up on the past month. There is more to add, but I am being lazy and will write when I feel up to it.....
7-11-09
I hate to do this, but I gotta let it out somewhere or I am gonna blow. I have been living with major stress since October of last year. Hubby is out of work for medical reasons and his employer refuses to pay his Workmans Comp. We have been in and out of court fighting and the judge yesterday finally said we should take it to mediation and go for a settlement. That would be okay, but our credit is crap now. We have to file bankruptcy, we can't pay the medical bills we do have andnow Hubby is getting another surgery this coming Wednesday to stabilize his spine as the first surgery worked, but the bottom screws in his spine loosened due to his habits and height. He went through a very tough time emotionally and finally is on antidepressant meds and is perking up. On the other hand, I have gone downhill. I finally got some relief from the pain I have dealt with for 5 years, but I can't afford the physical therapy I need to get back to 100%. On top of that, my emotional stability has taken a nose dive. About 6 weeks ago I thought I was having aheart attack, but thank God it was an anxiety attack, but it has been really bad. I am now on 2 antidepressants, plus a new antianxiety med, but I can't seem to find my happy place. I have been trying to be strong for hubby, but I can't anymore. It all has taken it's toll. I lost my best friend due to her addiction to pain meds. She stole pills from me and since I refuse to give her any, she won't talk to me. She has been in rehab, but the life she is choosing to live doesn't include me, so I feel I have no where to turn. She hurt me so badly, but I still love her. I am having a hard time focusing on my beading and am lucky to produce an item a week. I used to 1-2 pieces a day. Just in a bad place right now and trying to find my way out. At this point, I can't see a light but I am looking. It seems like everytime I turn around, I want to cry. today has been that kind of day. Hard to hide it from Hubby, and he has been acting silly to get me to smile. He manages sometimes. Oh well, I will keep on praying and waiting for God to decide when I have had enough. Thanks for listening.
7-12-09
Thank you all for your replies. I wake up ready to cry and I am so tired of it. When I saw my doctor this past Thursday, I had to admit to her that I feel like driving into a wall and ending it all, but I am too chicken. The other reason I won't is because of my hubby and my girls and my grandsons. I had a major breakdown almost 20 years ago and I am so afraid to be there again. It just seems that it isn't going to get better. I know it is, but it isn't happening fast enough. I am not a patient person and I want it done now. Hubby told me last night that I need to "get over it", which ticked me off as I put up with his emotional issues for the past 9 months. When he started on his antidepressants, I could see him turn for the better. My doc upped my antidepressant, that I have been taking for 5 years now and added a new one on top of that. I have my "instant" antianxiety pill, but I hate using them. I am at the end of my rope and just so tired of this whole thing. Hubby's attorney told me that he will take care of hubby and we will get it over with, but when? I don't know. Just keep sending those vibes and I will do the best I can to perk up. Love to all. Dorrie
7-13-09
Thank you all for kind replies. I am trying to be positive, but the closer it gets to surgery day, the more stress I feel. His first hospital stay was hard on both of us. The first day after his surgery, he got dropped on the x-ray table because the girls didn't move him right and he was so scared they had to basically put him to sleep for the retake of the x-ray the next day. It was hard for me to see my husband so helpless and afraid as he has always been my strength. Knowing that in less than 2 days he will be in surgery again is causing me anxiety and I am so scared for him. No woman should ever see her hubby in that condition. I know this is going to be a quicker surgery and a one day stay, but the first digs up so many bad memories for me. Hubby can't remember all that happened that week he was in the hospital, but he remembers some of the bad. He is trying to be positive about the upcoming one but I can see his fear. Di, I am a Christian and am trying to give it all to God to handle, but I keep taking it back. I have let some things stay in His hands and I am working to give Him the rest. Thank you for your prayers. Love, Dorrie
7-17-09
Thank you all for your care and love through my hubby and my rough times. Hubby had his back surgery Wednesday and came home Thursday. The doc told me all went well, however, Mike will need one more surgery to totally fix the probs he has. I am happy he is okay, but the doctor also told us, there are 6 more months of recovery and can't go back to work until after that. Maybe... I got through the wait during the surgery. It wasn't a pretty picture though. As soon as they took him away to the OR, I started having an anxiety attack. My chest hurt so bad and I lost it. I got to the waiting room for surgery patient's families and ended up in full blown attack. I was alone as my one daughter was sick and the other lives 3 hours away and even though she wanted to be here, I told her not to come as it was a short surgery. I ended up calling her to talk me down and she helped me some. I had brought some beading to do and she told me to make her something. I couldn't even bead. I then called my sister who suffers attacks also, but she wasn't home. I took my Ativan, and I was fine once it kicked in. The wait for Mikes surgery to be over seemed to take forever, but when I finally saw him, I was happy and glad he was okay. We still have financial issues, but with God's grace, we will come through this fiery trial. On a positive note, Mike will be calling his attorney Monday to set up for mediation, so we can work on getting a settlement and take care of our finances. His company has a set rate for settlement amounts, but because Mike has medical proof that the company is at fault, we may be able to ask for more as he had 16+ years of work before retirement, he may not be able to work again, so we have to plan for that. Hopefully our attorney will get what is a reasonable settlement. He is a bit more positive about things and that is helping me also. He did admit that my anxiety, causes his anxiety, plus my physical health upsets him because he can't care for me and I have to care for him. We have been married 31 years (we married at 18) and this is the first time in our marriage that we have been so close and have learned how to really work together as a team. It is the rough times that test the strength of a marriage and these times have taught me that Mike means the world to me. I thank God every day for my husband. Thank you all so much for lifting my spirits and being here for me. One person who brought me to tears today, was Jennifer Airs. I had discovered her site by accident and had always liked her Lotus Bracelet and I decided to write her a short note to tell her how much I like her work. She sent me a reply that surprised me greatly. She knew who I was from this forum. I can not believe how awfully wonderful it was for her to remember me like that. Thank you, Jennifer. I told hubby I want to move to the UK because I can only find nice people here. I love all you gals!!!!! THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO WONDERFUL....
7-18-09
Ativan is an "instant" anxiety reliever. It's generic name is Lorazepam. You put it under your tongue as it dissoles quickly and calms your heart rate and you down. For some reason, it took longer than it should have on surgery day. My sister had called me back about 2 hours later and asked when I had first taken it and I had taken half while with my hubby in the O.R. prep room as I could feel my symptoms coming. She wanted to know why it didn't work right away, plus I take double what she does, but I guess it is just my body's makeup, so to speak. But 2 hours later, when they took him to the O.R., the symptoms really flared up. I must have looked terrible while waiting for an elevator to go down to my car as 2 women asked if I was okay and I lied and said I was suffering muscle spasms in my back. I suffer muscle spasms daily anyway, it is part of my physical issue an also thats where my anxiety starts.They walked me out to my car and checked me again, then left. I got what I needed out of the car and headed back up to the waiting room, where the panic really set in. I took that second pill and within about 30 minutes, I was fine. Who knows, I try to be stronger than I really am. It takes some acting on the part of women to not let their hubby see how weak we really can be sometimes. Anyway, feeling a bit better today and praying it stays that way. The sun is shining, hubby is feeling perky and I feel well rested. We may just make it through. I am working on beng as positive as I can.
7-19-09
I just started the Ativan about 2 months ago. That's when the really bad anxiety attacks started. I thought I was having a heart attack and ended up in the ER for 4+ hours. I had never had Ativan before that. My doc put me .5mg for them but they didn't help. Now she has me on 1mg -2mg up to 3 times daily. I am so afraid of addiction that I tend not to take my meds when I should and that day at the hospital, when Mike was in Pre-op, I took a half a mg. When I got the full blown, I then took a whole one. I have not had to take the 2mg as yet. My fear of addiction has gotten me in trouble with my pain meds that I have taken for the past 5+ years. I tend to let my pain get so far ahead that I end up chasing it and that isn't good. When I finally got the diagnosis 4 months ago as far as what causes me the pain, I was able to get corticosteroid injections in my sacro joint which have helped. I was so excited that I set up with my family Doc and told her I felt so good and she then said she was going to say something about me that I didn't want to hear. That was "Addiction". Because I have been taking it for so long, she told me how to wean off the Vicodin. I went from 4-6 pills a day to 1-2. I was doing well, but then the injection wore off, so I am in a vicious cycle right now. However the first injection only lasted 3 weeks and I received the 2nd on June 5th and the pain has slowly been coming back for the past 2 weeks now. I woke with hip pain today and numbness in my leg and foot, so...... ((Mike is upset as he knows it is happening and it upsets him and he won't ask me to help him, but I tell him I have been broken longer, so I don't matter. He is the wage earner and I need him to get better before we worry about me.)) It really sucks as I was feeling really good and for the first time in 5+ years, I was able to get out and walk. I was up to 2 miles in 40 minutes, which may sound slow, but for me now, it really isn't. I used to go 100 miles an hour at my job. People would tell me I was a blur and to slow down. Now I am gonna cry as I loved my job and I miss working and seeing and meeting new people everyday. I can't work anymore and it hurts so bad when people look at me and because they don't see a physical problem, they assume I am lazy. If they only knew.... Sorry about that...With the pain coming back, I can't walk that 2 miles, but I walk what I can and hope that every little bit helps. The bright part of it all is and I quote from Jennifer "It looks like you've found gold in your marriage." I really have. I took Mike for granted all these years and assumed and expected him to be there for me. I now realize he means so much more to me than just a wage earner. He is my life and when he hurts, I hurt, when he is happy, I am happy, etc.
7-24-09
I had a Dr. Appt. today and it didn't go well. I started having an attack as the nurse was checking me in. It just happens out of the blue. She again asked me about how I feel and what would make it better. I told her at this point "Death" because all my worries and cares would be gone, but I am not feeling suicidal. It would just be the peace I would feel. She is setting me up with a psychologist and I hope things change. She said I am getting worse and not any better and we need to find out why. It scares me, because I do not want to end up in the 3rd floor of our hospital. That is the psych ward. As long as I don't have a plan to off myself, I will be all right. I told her I feel suicide is ethically wrong anyway and against my Christian beliefs. I also have 2 beautiful daughters and 5 grandsons who love me. I could not hurt them for the world, so that is bonus. My problem is that for the past week, I have suffered an average of 3 anxiety attacks a day, out of the blue, no reason and she needs to find out what is triggering them. It is so hard for me to go out in public as I am afraid I will lose it. I did that today at the pharmacy, but luckily, a friends daughter works there and she was able to get me through it. I know I will be okay, I just don't know when. My hubby is getting more upset with me, but I think it is because he doesn't understand anxiety attacks. He called me while I was coming home from the doc and started joking by asking me if she put me in the psych ward. I told him that isn't even funny as it may happen and if things don't calm down for me, I will end up there. I am vey scared right now, but I will push on and strive for happiness. Love to all....
7-24-09 2nd Post that day......
Thanks for catching up on this. I want to get another injection as I feel so good and I can actually vacuum my livingroom with out being down the whole next day. I can walk. I can drive farther than just to town and back. Problem is, I need to have physical therapy and I am not sure if hubbys military insurance will cover and if they do, we still have co-pays. I received the bill for the ER visit and I owe them over $600 and that isn't counting all of it. If the insurance will cover the PT, then yes!!!! I will go for another. Then I can only get one more as 4 is the max they give you and I have 2 down already. I also am a bit scared as the last injection hurt really bad. Usually they don't, so not sure if they forgot to give me happy medicine or if the doctor hit a nerve. Then on top of that, I have to have someone drive me the 2 hours to get there to get it. I will ask my sister as Mike can't do it at this time due to his healing. I know I can get someone to take me. I also think that yeah, it's great that they work, but if after the 4th one and if I am doing PT, the pain returns, I am possibly looking at surgery. That really scares me as I have only spent the night in a hospital 2 times. Thats when I had my babies. I know I am different, but after seeing what Mike went through, his first surgery, I am a big scaredy cat. I know, wait to see what happens. Don't worry about it, but that is my personality. I am the best worrier there ever was. If they paid for that, I'd be very rich right now. This situation has brought a very sweet person into my life. We have been communicating for a couple days now and that person is CJ Bauschka. The designer of the "Eye of the Twister" bracelet I made. She is a very nice person and she signed up for this forum today as she wanted to know what was going on with me. I tell you, if it wasn't for beading and these forums, I would be so lonely, but because of all of you, I count myself rich in friends. I just ask those who do, to please pray for Mike and I as CJ has. I know we will come through this trial refined as gold. Love to you all,
7-30-09
Things aren't the best yet. Still having anxiety. I am taking 2 antidepressants and she upped the dosage on both. I still fight anxiety and still am suffering 2-3 attacks daily. I just want it to stop. I now have paranoia issues cropping up. I had a problem with the above mentioned "friend" who broke into my home and stole some of my pain meds. The other night, hubby fell asleep on the couch and I was watching TV. Our doors and windows are open to allow air in. I heard a noise outside and the cats were staring at it, so I ran to shut and lock it. I then went into my bedroom to get my handgun and I was determined to protect myself and hubby. I sat here for 2 hours with that gun ready to fire, in case. Well Mike woke up and I told him what happened and I gave him the gun. I was very surprised that he didn't laugh at me or think I was just crazy. He knew about the break in and he also is the one who started locking up the house whenever we leave. I hate that my so called friend is part of my problem. Beyond that, I am having hallucinations also, so it seems that things are getting worse. I realize my meds can cause these, and it is just getting frustrating. I can not wait to see the psych doc as I know he can help. I saw him before at the beginning of my injury. I just wish it would all end. My oldest daughter gave me some help for the attacks and explained to her dad that it isn't my fault and it happens. She used to suffer bad attacks. She would call me and want me to make that hour plus drive to help her out. I never made the drive as her hubby would be there by the time it was over. I just needed totalk her down. Now it's the other way around. She has learned to control them and is helping me. Funny how life works. We got to see her and my grandsons Monday as Mike had an appointment and we went to visit them after. My grandsons always make me feel so much better. I think because they all want my attention at once, I can't focus anywhere but on them. LOL They are just too cute and fun to be around. Anyway, my goal is to get through the rest of this day with minimal problems. We are going to friends house tonight for our regular weekly date (Missed the past 2 weeks due to Mike healing) of dinner and Cribbage. We always have a great time and lots of laughs. For now, girls, thanks for all your support and patience with me.
8-22-09
I guess I should fill you in on the past couple weeks. I am seeing my psych doc again. He assigned me to make a piece of jewelry and bring it to him. Well, I fought for a week and a half and finally got one made, but it wasn't put together, because I didn't like the necklace. The pendant was fine, but...I handed it to him in tears and I feel so stupid that I can't follow simple patterns at this time. I also brought him older pieces I had done and it breaks my heart I can't create like I used to. My panic attacks keep coming and I have a hard time going anywhere as I am afraid I will freak out in public. We went to my nieces housewarming party and it is family and friends, and I was having a great time as my daughters were there and my grandsons and my mom. Out of the blue, I lost it. This happened so differently than the norm. I felt like I was in a tunnel and everything was spinning and I almost blacked out. Luckily my youngest daughter, saw what was happening, took me inside the house and gave me my Ativan and waited with me to calm down. I am nothing but a crybaby anymore. My friend who I lost due to drug addiction was just put back on probation as she got caught with drugs in her system. Her mom was in a serious head on collision and was life flighted to a hospital in Rochester. She is in critical condition. I blame Chris as if Chris wasn't into her drug addiction, she'd have been there to drive her mom like she always did. I know, technically, it is wrong of me to think that, but I am so angry and hurt by Chris' actions. Hopefully this will put her on the straight and narrow. I am back in Physical Therapy and glad of it. I have the same therapist who, 3 years ago gave me the diagnosis that doctors finally gave me back in April, but wouldn't accept her diagnosis as she isn't a doctor. The therapy is going okay, but I suffered an anxiety attack there and had to wait it out before she worked me out. My hubby is going through hard times managing his pain and in psych therapy, I cry about him as I want my hubby back, the way he was as far as being happy. I hate to see him in pain, it hurts me inside. I have been dealing with my feeling that death would be a good thing as I wouldn't feel anymore. I don't want to die, but it is easier than trying to deal with all that is happening. I do not have suicidal thoughts so that is good. I am trying to set goals for myself as far as beading. Pick one item, get it done, then decide on a new one. I, at least, have been sketching my ideas, so I have them to go through when I come out of this fog I live in. I thank you all for being here and even if you don't respond, just getting my thoughts out there, is helpful to me.
