New Grandson and an SIJD Update Current mood: indescribable Category: Life
I would like to welcome little Wesley Nathaniel to the world. He was born March 28th and is a real cutie like his 4 brothers. He looks like all his brothers in someways. Just a real sweetheart. His brothers love him and can't wait until he gets home. They are all real "protective" of him. LOL Then there's Heidi, who always looks so great after delivery, that you wouldn't think she just had a baby. There is one pic she showed me, taken during labor, where you could tell she was working hard. LOL
Apparently there is a misunderstanding about my physical issues and I suppose I should explain things a bit more. I worked for a year after my injury and suffered with the pain, so I wouldn't lose my job. My doctor wanted to pull me out way sooner, but I fought her and begged her not to. Then things got worse and my doctor finally told me "No more." as I was hurting myself more. I lost the best job I ever had and actually didn't mind that I was working 50 hours week. 8 years in this job, gone to crap. I would not run the store like I had dreamed I would. It was gone in an instant. I was around people all day, everyday. I knew most of the people in this little town of ours. I went from knowing a lot of people to being alone all day. Funny part is, when I did get out and ran into these people, they would complain about the way the store was run and then go on about how much they missed me. All I could do was cry. Because of my meds, I am lucky if I can remember 1 third of these people anymore. After the doctor pulled me out the second time, that is when I got the call that my job was gone. I would like to say that there isn't a day in the past 4 years, since I lost my job, that I haven't wanted to go to work. I would rather be anywhere than stuck in the house all the time. When I lost my job, I also lost all my freedom to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and how I wanted to do it. My life is now dependent on when Mike has time to take me places. I used to drive down by myself all the time to visit my daughter, her husband and my grandsons. I can no longer do that unless I want to suffer in pain. I can no longer take the 20 minute drive by myself anymore to go to WalMart and waste an hour or 2 shopping. Mike and I would go shopping, but I would end up in worse pain than when I started. He would get annoyed as while we were shopping, I would let out this yell of "Ow" in the middle of the store and it embarrassed him. I couldn't walk for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time. There are times I would have to find a place to sit in the middle of the store to just rest and wait for the pain to subside. I know he was embarrassed, as people would look our way and wonder "What the heck is going on." There are times I would push myself to drive a bit farther, walk a bit longer and then I'd pay the price for the next few days. The way I can stand longer and walk a bit farther now, is due to the fact that I now use a cane to lean on and enjoy life a bit more. There are times when I sit here, pain is so bad, I end up in tears. Mike gets upset because there is nothing he can do to help me. He wants to, but there is no help, except waiting for the pain to subside. I wish I could explain what happens, but it hard to express in words. When Mike and I were walking up the steps to the hospital to visit Heidi and Wesley, something "popped" in my hip and was extremely painful. I told Mike at that point, that I should have used my cane. I was hoping that it was a good "pop" like the last time, but it wasn't as I have had nothing but major pain in my hip and a constant tingling in my foot, since. So, what can I do. It seems I can't win for losing. Anyway, my desire to work at any paying job or volunteering has been shot down by my doctor. I had an appointment with her a year or so ago and Mike was with me. I talked to her about getting myself back to work on some level. I would need a job where I can sit or stand as I need to and doesn't require a heavy mental load. She asked what I had in mind and I mentioned a bank teller, she said "No, I wouldn't want you messing with my money when your meds kick in." I said Greeter at WalMart as it looks like I can sit and stand as needed, but she again said "No, because I couldn't be counted on to keep the schedule." She said with my pain issues and med issues, it would be hard to keep a job.(I take narcotics, antidepressants, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, etc.) I have days of major pain flare ups where I can't do anything, but sit or lay down. My meds keep my mind from being clear. If I could find a job using a computer, and someone trusted me, I would take it. I took up beading as I needed to keep my mind and hands busy doing something. Beading is an artform and requires skill. I taught myself how to do beadweaving and am very proud of what I do. I can call myself an artist and I do. There is Bead stringing and there is Beadweaving. I can string beads, but prefer to do the more complicated art of weaving with a needle and thread. It may look easy, but it isn't. Unfortunately it is an addictive hobby. LOL I have been trying to sell the jewelry that I make, on the computer and have done 3 shows. My sales aren't the greatest, but at least I try. I can't set up for shows on my own as they require tables, tents, etc. I need to find people to help me with the set ups and also to be with me while selling as I have to take my pain meds during the shows. I consider beading a useful hobby to me, as I am physically doing something and feel like I can bring something of worth into the world. I have made many online "beady friends" and love doing it. I have a friend in Italy who sends me beads and challenges me to create my own designs. This is written so people understand me more. I wish I could explain my innermost feelings a bit more, but I can't. It is hard to get people to realize that just because you can't see the problem, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. When you walk in my shoes for a day, then you can judge me and my life. But not until......
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